Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
