I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Semen is not good for contacts.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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