So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
