If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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