Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize