I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
