i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
