so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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