tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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