who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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