You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She bit a glass in half.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize