you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
