Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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