life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
