Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
And then he peed in my hair
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