Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
They took my balls.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
