I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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