I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
