You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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