I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
