you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Randomize