I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
