ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
