T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
