ugly people sure do ruin things
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
