Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
