last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
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