Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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