i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
They have beer where we have blood.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
