Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
