i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
