My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
