Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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