then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
