I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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