Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
