I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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