I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
