whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My dick has a subreddit
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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