ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
