I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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