I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
