I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
