If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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