I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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