grandma shit on top of the toilet
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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