I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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