god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
