Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
