I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
