i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
