she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
