So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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