I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
