No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
