Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Never underestimate the power of titties
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
