My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
two words: eviction party
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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