so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just found puke in my bra..
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
