The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
