things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
