Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
