i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
